good morning. since Troubleshooting isn’t ready this week, i’m running a revised and expanded reprint of an old story. the older version had a running bit in it that i didn’t like on rereading, so i excised it and made it more formal. i think it reads better this way.
as always, Enjoy.
Starry Pete’s Pizza Form Letter Template
by Jeffrey C. Brister
Starry Pete’s Pizza Form Letter Template
[Lynn, here’s the form letter template. Go over the copy, and if you don’t have any feedback, review and plug in the info provided on the spreadsheet I emailed you earlier today. If you open this on the intranet site, it should auto-populate when you type in their names. Double-check everything! It’s a brand-new implementation. We don’t want anyone discovering somebody’s secret identity. Get them printed and on Brooke’s desk by COB today. She’s itching to get these kids on payroll—Stacy]
DOCUMENTS
->FORM LETTER
->>NEW HIRE
->>>DELIVERY DRIVER
->>>>SUPERHUMAN [MECHANICALLY ENHANCED/INTERNAL]
->>>>>SPECIAL PROJECTS [FIELD WORK/NON-PARANORMAL]
->>>>>>NO EXPERIENCE
Dear [EMPLOYEE NAME HERE],
I would like to be the first to welcome you to the Starry Pete’s family. We are Terminaburg’s oldest and best pizza restaurant, as voted on yearly by readers of the Terminaburg Current and Times. At Starry Pete’s, we strive for excellence in all that we do, and while you may be a rookie in this new job, you were chosen because we have a nose for excellence and additional talents.
We’re hiring you not only for your apparent talent and passion for food service, but also for your [SHORT DESCRIPTION OF POWERS/ABILITIES].
[BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE METHODS USED TO DISCOVER THIS INFORMATION]. Rest assured that there no one else in the world has access to this particular information, and any secret identities you use while performing superheroic acts are protected by law, and the strongest security apparatus in the known world.
Superhuman mechanical enhancements on their own are difficult to create and tougher still to apply to the body. Our research shows that you
[IF CREATED] have a remarkable talent for engineering and medical science, plus an incredible level of endurance,
[IF INSTALLED BUT NOT CREATED] are a truly remarkable person with an extraordinary gift— and that’s not even talking about your powers—
[IF NEITHER CREATED NOR INSTALLED CONSENSUALLY] are a true example of the power of the human spirit to overcome adversity,
And we feel like you would be a great fit for our team. Our Special Projects Desk covertly handles sensitive supernatural and superhuman matters from a variety of clients, including [A SUPERHEROIC ORGANIZATION FOR WHICH THEY MENTIONED AN AFFINITY]! As a member or our Field Team, you would be on the front lines of keeping our city—and potentially our country or even our planet—safe from incidents that threaten the very fabric of our society.
We know this is a lot to take in all at once, but here at Starry Pete’s Pizza, we believe in giving our new team members world-class training from the biggest names in the superhero world—like [SUPERHERO FOR WHICH THEY MENTIONED AN AFFINITY(MAKE SURE THEY ARE ON THE APPROVED LIST)], and [POPULAR SUPERHERO REQUIRED BY LAW TO OFFER TRAINING ASSISTANCE TO STARRY PETE’S PIZZA]! You will get the attention and care you need to excel in serving our customers, whether they need pizza or [NON-LIFE-THREATENING BUT EXCITING TASK THAT IS SUITED TO THEIR POWERS]. At Starry Pete’s, pizza is our passion, but our duty is to protect the world. We take that sacred mandate seriously, and that means offering the highest quality training to everyone who has the courage to become a new thread in the tapestry of our storied (and secret!) history.
Do you have what it takes? Do you think you’re ready to take up the mantle of heroism and protect Earth from the most dire threats imaginable while providing excellent customer service and serving up Terminaburg’s favorite pizzas for 55 (FIFTY-FIVE!) years and counting? We wouldn’t be sending this letter if we didn’t, so we hope you think so too.
We are not expecting an answer right away. This is a big step for you. Certainly not something you expected to see after an interview with your local pizza joint, right? We get it! But we encourage you to give us a chance. This is an opportunity only afforded to a select few, and, while the work will be difficult, we can guarantee that it will be a unique and rewarding experience. Who knows? Maybe you could be the next [LIVING AND/OR DECEASED LEGENDARY HERO WHO SHARES A SIMILAR POWER SET THAT IS NOT CURRENTLY A VILLAIN/VIOLENT CRIMINAL], [COMMITTING THE DEED THAT CEMENTED THEIR STATUS IN THE HISTORICAL RECORD (ACTS COMMITTED WHILE CONTRACTED TO STARRY PETE’S ARE PREFERABLE, AND MAKE SURE IT DOES NOT INVOLVE GENOCIDE, HUMAN OR OTHERWISE)]! Bet you didn’t know Starry Pete’s helped make that happen! [Remove sentence if the act was not an approved Deed—Stacy]
Those are the kind of experiences that are possible if you join our team. Do you think you have what it takes? We do! At Starry Pete’s, we reach for the stars and bring them to your door. Wouldn’t you like to be one?
Sincerely,
Brooke Holtz-Czerny
Hiring Manager, Post-Human Field Operations, Starry Pete’s Pizza